CENTER for BALANCE and TRANSFORMATION
ASSERTIVENESS AND ANGER
I am often asked, just how one goes about controlling their temper or dealing with their anger. We talk about Anger Issues, like they are horrible, but the truth is that each one of us has most likely, at one time or another in our lifetime experienced anger.
Anger gets a bad reputation, because people mistakenly call out of control fits of anger, and or rage, anger. Rage is anger out of control, and yes it is most often misguided and something that we must get a handle on. Anger by nature is a naturally occurring emotion for all of us. What we do with anger makes it either appropriate or inappropriate. So the question is what are the tools to better anger management.
I believe that learning assertiveness is one of the first tools in managing our lives, and moving past anger to understanding. Assertiveness is a communication tool, and something that allows us to speak of who we are and what we think, rather than who we think we should be, for someone else.
Women in general have often been taught to stuff emotion rather than express their truth. Men have often experienced about the same kind of treatment. How can we go through life in a productive way when we don’t have the training or courage to even believe we have the right to express ourselves? Believe me when I say that it may not be our fault that we have few skills in dealing with anger, but we do have the responsibility to learn those skills if we care to get to a better place in dealing with anger.
If we care to learn to assert ourselves, understand that it is not about anyone getting it over on someone else. Assertiveness is about people standing up for themselves in productive ways and communicating what they think or feel regardless of what others might think. We have the right to think anything we choose to think, we do not have the right to be right. This is not about winning anything, it is simply about the thoughtful consideration of what we do think, and how we do feel, with the right to modify or change that viewpoint. Being assertive is about being authentic and accepting ourselves and other people. It is not about judgment it is about trying to understand ourselves and others more fully, and being productive and taking ownership of who we are.
Simple questions we begin to ask are what do I think, what do I feel, what do I want to do? Am I taking advantage, am I judging, am I willing to stand up for what I believe? If no one agrees with me, is it okay for me to express myself? Is my intention to be heard or to be right? If I take ownership of me am I willing to risk someone not accepting what I present. Is it necessary in life to be accepted, or is it okay for me to live my life as I believe. The more honest we become in our questions and answers the closer we are to understanding ourselves and who we are. If no one accepts the self that we offer, that does not mean that you are wrong, or unacceptable. Not everyone is willing to accept others at face value, and actually, that is their personal work or lack of it showing itself. If we can accept some of what has been presented, we will have a better chance of not creating real life scenarios that create needless anger.
Most people look for acceptance from others and are often disappointed and angry when they don’t get it. The truth is that when we can live without the goodwill of others, we have moved forward in our quest for personal growth. We don’t have to be angry or upset by lack of acceptance, if we accept ourselves. The flip side is that when we do that for others, it gives the respect that they deserve. This is more of a peace provoking stance.
Juanita